Designed for Divine Destinations

There are a lot of articles on child development. and there are some great articles out there on the subject. Lots of books and magazines and online sources do a great job at talking about raising kids. Jody wrote a great article on parenting styles that addresses integrity.

We learn a lot about parenting from our parents, we learn what to do and some of what not to do from them. Our parents taught us a lot and gave us what they knew. There are lots of family counselors that help us with the things we do not know from our own childhood experience. That can be helpful for some but what I found even more helpful was learning about myself.

With personal development I have learned more about myself and what got me to this point in life. I was raised in a military family and was encouraged my whole life to be independent. My parents worked on empowering me but there were things that disabled me. One example  is that when I was a kid and we went anywhere, my Mom always told me not to ask for things. Personal development helped me discover that not only can I ask for things, but should ask for things. I figured out that being “polite” doesn’t help me get sales. Then I thought about the fact that other kids come to my house and ask for things and I’m OK with that. So now I tell my kids it’s fine to ask but don’t ask for too much and always thank the hostess or host.

I have had to learn from my childhood that I felt a certain way about things but I can’t project that onto my kids. That is disabling for them. It keeps me from offering opportunities that they might enjoy. One cool, cloudy April Sunday, my son wanted to sell lemonade. I said yes and thought “no one is going to buy lemonade today”, I was so wrong, he made $11.  I let them try new things and let them decide for themselves how they feel about it after they try it. I do set necessary parameters but don’t manage the whole thing.

Many parents (especially women) want their house to look a certain way, we believe it’s a reflection on how clean we are. We think our house has to be spotless or clutter free. We clean it ourselves so it can meet this standard we think it should have even though we didn’t make most of the mess. We sometimes  figure it’s easier to clean, do laundry, etc. rather than get the rest of the family to contribute. It has to be an exact way (I have to confess, that’s the one I’m working on) or it’s not right. Now we can develop systems that work for us but they are able to use some creative thinking to resolve some problems like a system for their room or laundry.

We are not empowering our kids if we are doing everything for them. My oldest brother was married to a woman who believed that if her kids were working hard in school and getting good grades that they shouldn’t have chores. She did everything for them. How were these kids going to learn to do anything if she did it all for them? That is enabling a, child not empowering them. Those kids are going to expect someone to take care of those things even after they are adults. Even if your house isn’t perfect, kids should do chores. They contribute to the mess, they should contribute to clean up.

I have a relative who moved out of the house and he didn’t know how to do laundry, he was using fabric softener… his clothes were soft but not as much clean. His mom had done his laundry, cooked for him, cleaned up after him all his life and he got out into the world and couldn’t do anything for himself. That put him at a deficit.

Control is another thing that I found, through personal development, that I had to work with. Although I gave my kids chores to do, I was wanting them to do it perfectly and thoroughly I had to give that up. They won’t ever feel like they are doing it right if I constantly nit pick the way they do the chore. It does have to meet a standard but I need to be able to have a kid standard. I can’t eat off dirty dishes but I can ease up on how they fold their clothes. Part of the control issue was that I thought it was a bad reflection of me if something wasn’t up to my standard.If they go out in wrinkly clothes it needs to be their issue I shouldn’t manage my kids’ lives on how it makes me look but rather, how they want to appear. If they don’t care if their clothes are wrinkly then I need to let it go, and I have. One day when they are teens, they will figure out that their clothes are wrinkly and will work on folding or hanging their clothes so that they appear fresh.

Lots of articles on child development say “pick your battles” and I would say, determine what is important to you but more deeply, why it’s important to you. The main thing in parenting is to do an up close honest look at yourself and ask yourself some important questions. Look at your own childhood and find out how your parents empowered you and how they enabled or disabled you. What is important to you, really important; Not the surface “people will judge me” things but the standards you need to set in order to raise empowered kids. To find what’s really important to you as a parent about raising your kids, ask yourself some “how” and “what” questions. “Why” questions will only evoke emotion, “how” and “what” questions are for true exploration.

A kid isn’t going to be empowered because they have unwrinkled clothes, a kid is going to be empowered by self discovery and parents who encourage them to find a way to resolve issues. Kids are empowered by parents who help them discover their talents and skills and who foster problem solving skills. I am grateful for parents who encouraged me to solve my own problems. I will take it to the next level to encourage my kids to be productive and contributors.

I can’t control my kids every minute of the day. I can’t make them eat right, or be nice to other people or make good decisions about friends. What I can do, is teach them how to make wise decisions. I can’t watch over them everywhere and tell them how to live. My efforts are much better spent having frank and honest conversations with them about life. I can give them ideas on good thought processes and I can arm them with the ability to make good decisions on how they want to treat people, how to choose good friends, what to wear and even make wise decisions about drugs and sex.

Ask yourself, “Am I empowering my child? Or am I enabling my child?”

This entry was posted on Monday, July 6th, 2009 at 4:26 pm and is filed under Self Growth. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.